Hug Me, I’m a Vegetarian

Today is apparently International Hug a Vegetarian Day. Who knew?

There doesn’t seem to be much grander purpose to this, other than PETA’s continued efforts to recognize the people who are putting our nation’s chicken farmers and captive bolt pistol manufacturers out of jobs.

Here’s another tidbit from the Web site:

Random Hug-Related Fact of the Moment!

There are a plethora of different kinds of hugs, and all of them are vegan—unless you cover yourself in butter before hugging someone, in which case you’re just disgusting.

Whatever your dietary preferences, I think we can all agree on that. In honor of this day, I will hug my peanut butter and jelly sandwich before I eat it in a few minutes. Then I will probably suffer through another round of meat-based jokes from other people in the newsroom. Typical example:

News clerk: I saved you some sausage. Want some?
Me: No thanks.
News clerk: Are you going to order the cheesesteak sandwich?
Me: Not today.
Me: …(turns back to crossword puzzle)

WARNING: Hugging vegetarians should be avoided at all costs because their bones are brittle and easily breakable, due to the lack of proper nutrition and protein obtained through a steady diet of bacon and Thickburgers. Gentle pats on the back are also discouraged since a muscle system sustaining on rice and soy may shrivel under the added pressure.*

*statement not verified by anyone with any medical background

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