from an email I sent out to the roommates after cleaning the freezer. Terribly bored today, you ask? You better believe it. There’s only so many jobs you can apply for in one week:
Elisha Cuthbert presenting
And the nominees are….:
- an Amy’s frozen burrito indistinguishable beneath a womb of frostbite [word “womb” censored on broadcast delay, just in case]
- Edamame pods in mid-stage chrysalis
- A lone orphaned veggie burger that had attempted to slice open the chest cavity of a long-forgotten loaf of bread and crawl inside for warmth [cut to brief clip]
- A long-forgotten loaf of bread with a veggie burger sticking out of its chest [still photo]
- Anonymous empty glass bottle full of what judges determined was either a pre-hominid attempt at vodka or a stash of vinegar that, like the dexterous African clawed frog, had adapted in its surroundings and turned itself into vodka in hopes of having better odds of one day escaping its frozen prison [clip of judge sniffing from bottle before falling over dead]
- three bags of corn meal [camera cuts to Alton Brown fidgeting nervously in crowd]
- A box of vegan grillers whose last experience with daylight was mid-second term Bush II years [file footage of Dick Cheney hooking electrodes up to food at a family barbecue]
- A bag of dumplings of indeterminate origin and filling [image blocked by Chinese government internet firewall]
- about 9 bags of flour [split screen of all of the above looking on anxiously from the trash can]
AND the winner is…..
[fumbles with envelope]
…. A bag of flour, with an expiration date of October 2005!!!
[The bag of flour was unable to accept its award as it is busy work on its next project: Returning to the Earth From Whence it Came (Gore Verbinski, directing). Accepting in its place is a new bag of frozen broccoli that has taken over its spot in the freezer]
“Hi, I’m Leonardo DiCaprio, compensated spokesman: Here are some tips to a better-running refrigerator and freezer:
Choose glass over plastic.
Glass keeps food and beverages colder, which means less work for the fridge. Glass is an all-natural, recyclable material, while many plastics are not. Then, there’s always the potential health hazards associated with leaching plastic.
FILL ’ER UP
A full refrigerator uses less energy than an empty one: The more space to cool, the harder the fridge has to work. However, Ritchie warns, “You don’t want it too full because you still need room for the chilled air to circulate and cool down new items.” If you live alone and often have bare shelves, the California Energy Commission recommends fi lling the extra space with water filled containers (plus you’ll have water on hand in case of an emergency).
MIND THE (EXPIRATION) DATE
Tara Gidus, MS, RD, a spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association, warns that most people keep foods much longer than they should. “Check labels for dates and throw out anything that is past expiration,” says Gidus. Better yet, get expiration-date savvy, and use up your groceries before they have a chance to expire. A “sell-by” date tells grocers when to pull a product off store shelves; as a consumer, you have a few days past this date to use a product. A “use-by” date means exactly that: Use by that date, or toss the food. (For more guidance on the shelf life of common perishables, see “Is It Safe to Eat?,” right.) In general, leftovers should not be kept longer than three or four days.
KEEP IT CLEAN … NATURALLY
Even the tiniest spills can lead to bacterial growth, which speeds up food spoilage—and waste. Yet conventional cleaning products introduce toxic chemicals into your food zone. Instead, Gidus suggests these simple, homemade formulas for effective natural cleaning: For a quick wipe down of shelves, use mild liquid soap or a one-toone solution of white vinegar and water; for sticky spills that require gentle scouring, use baking soda and a damp sponge.”
[begin 15-minute musical tribute montage to fridge items we lost in the past year. Particularly touching and poignant tribute to the bottle of Grappa, which no one in the Academy or audience realizes is still alive and sitting quietly next to the tuxedo-wearing GoLean Crunch! box in the back row, too timid to bring attention to itself.
The Roommate Who Clearly Has Way Too Much Pent-Up Writing Energy