Teevee debut: I Am Wolf Blitzer’s Mustache

Taking off from the previous post about teevee news reporters and their proclivity to interview newspaper writers, I got a call from Fox News (known for their thoughtful, sensitive and in no way over-the-top coverage of missing persons, tragedies and other events) over the weekend asking to do an interview about the big missing white people story that we’ve been all over down here. I agreed, despite any hesitations I may have about the visual and verbal histrionics Fox often wraps its stories in. I figure it’s good to get the paper’s name out there at least, and maybe some sympathetic and doting millionaire will see our name and decide to invest unrestricted fortunes into improving and expanding our paper.

It lasted all of about three minutes (which I’m glad I didn’t have to drive down to the Savannah TV station for) and went fine, besides the fact that they inexplicably labeled me “head reporter” when I’m actually the reporter whose probably contributed least to this story out of everyone who’s been working on it. The promotion by Fox comes with no pay raise, I was informed by editors afterwards.

I made the mistake of hinting at some of the rumors circulating about the disappearance, none of which are substantiated and any of which could just as likely be the product of the vicious rumor mill this town seems to foster. Just ask the illegal immigrants living on the BI-LO roof. Or find Oprah’s estate and ask her.

Of course, the Fox anchor started frothing at the beak at the mention of seedy rumors, especially when the blockbuster hint at financial malfeasance starting visions of sugarplums dancing in Fox’s head. I had to back up away from the rumor talk so John and Jane Q. Average Viewer didn’t walk away with the idea that we were casting aspersions that the two missing people were embezzling masterminds.

CNN called at about 5:45 p.m. today, which went similarly except I tried to shy away from mentioning the rumor part. I was hoping they would put me through to Wolf Blitzer so I could tell him about the overstock of 45 flat screen TVs I have lying around that he may want to purchase. But they put me through instead to Headline News, which is the Spark Notes version of CNN.

What does all this mean? I can now have an IMDB page! Hazzah! Oh, wait, I already have one.

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