The Polar News Caps are Melting

Eff the polar bears. The Arizona Republic last week made an appeal to save another dying breed. They’re less cute in Coke commercials, but they drink a lot more beer, and also look great when turned into rugs. They also generally smell a lot worse than your average bear.

May 16, 2008

Dirk Kempthorne

U.S. Department of Interior

Washington, D.C.

Dear Secretary Kempthorne,

Our friend Sandy at the Sierra Club told us that today is Endangered Species Day. We’re not sure if you’re accepting nominations, but there’s a species we’d like to call to your attention.

We understand that there are certain requirements a species must meet to be included on the endangered list, but we’ve done our research.

1) Diminishing numbers? Check.

2) Hostile environmental elements, including dangerous predators? Check.

3) Inability to adapt to shifting landscape? Check.

Given all those considerations, we ask that you please consider placing Journalisticus Newspaperus Americanus on the Endangered Species List.

Thank you.

Your pal,


P.S. We think polar bears are cool, so thank you for putting them on the threatened species list

— John D’Anna

Unfortunately, until someone makes a Dreamworks picture about adorable CGI journalists, no one will probably care.

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