The Final Fantasy

What Samus would wear:

What is it about the classic NES that just won’t ever fully vacate our collective psyche? For me, I assume the reason is related to having been more or less raised by Link, Dr. Mario and the Elevator Action guy while my parents were off running a crime ring at the local high school with frat boys. OK, that part is not true. Wait, I think that’s the plot of River City Ransom. See?

Nintendo basically colonized my brain in the late 80s and never ceded its imperial rule. I have to check the calendar to remember family members’ birthdays each year, too often have to look up how to spell simple words like “canceled” and “naseau” and still to this day have to read the instructions each time I make a box of macaroni and cheese, but I can recall in the flash of a finger how to escape the Lost Woods (North, West, South, West … bitch) and which tombstone hides the Magic Sword. Like anyone from that generation, I’ll probably be tapping out the Contra code from my deathbed, long after dementia has taken hold and I couldn’t distinguish between a doctor and Battletoad, in a vain attempt to get 29 more chances at life.

This is our blessing, and also our curse. As for the Geekini, it’s only a conceptual design by French aritst John Nouanesing and may never end up in stores. The bigger problem of course would be finding a girl willing to wear it, especially considering where the “start” button is located (see below). Hit the select button for a two-player game.

Next steps in Nintendorotica: the vibrating Power Glove, the latex Power Pad, and the full-body Tanooki suit, for the furry crowd.

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