Tag Archives: beer

Mother Brain’s high alcohol percentage

My favorite search term that led someone to this blog of late:

“why does simpler times get me drunk?”

which one person was looking for, and we hope found their answer. It slightly edged out:

“asian girl self take pictures,” which brought in two visitors, to probably something Hipster Grifter related,

andsamus, still clothed

“samus no clothes”

which brought in four visitors, to which post, I can only guess.

Hooray Google! And SEO skillz TO THE MAX.

side note, if you are obsessive about anything at all, never get a blog that allows you to monitor real-time search traffic/clickthroughs/visitor length/etc. You will lose your mind in the world of internet influence.

Poor Pours: Simpler Times beer

Simpler Times beer

The deal: $4.99 for a six pack of bottles, $3.99 for a six pack of cans. That’s 66.5 cents per can.

the answer to complication

the answer to complication

What is: Lager and pilsner beer, available at Trader Joe’s. It’s a new offering at the TJ’s in NY, but apparently has been available in the stores elsewhere in the country for some time.

In simple terms, it’s the recession beer.

Ah, yes, remember those simpler times before your pension disappeared in an updraft into golden parachutes or your retirement went over the falls in a bailout. Let’s think back to the black-and-white days of the Great Depression, and remind ourselves that people get through hard times with friends, and people make friends during hard times with beer, and that beer is the simple cause of — and solution to — most of life’s problems.

Why?:Because it’s the new PBR.

Such sacrilege! But it’s true. Because at that price, and with a 6 percent alcohol content (that’s 1.8 percentage points higher than Bud Lite), it doesn’t have to be very good. But I would place the taste a step and a half above the taste of the Pabst, despite the latter’s insistence that a 116-year-old fair win is the only validation its ever needed for taste approval. Plus, it’s ludicrous speeds ahead of other discount contenders such as South Paw, Genny Lite or,yikes, Schaefer.

Plus, Simpler Times doesn’t have any pretensions pretenses attached to it yet: no sneering glances from bartenders who wonder what size girl jeans you’re wearing or how long you spent cultivating the child molester mustache like when you order a PBR; no conversations about the best methods to get the stains out of your wife beater like when you order a High Life.

Coworkers at TJ’s have been snatching it up with ravenous appetite since it first appeared a few weeks ago. This conversation about sums it up:

Me: Curtis, what did you think of that Simpler Times beer?

Curtis: It’s good enough!

It’s made by Wisconsin company Minhas Craft Brewery, which doesn’t even list Simpler Times on its web site. Minhas, you’ll surely know, is the brewer of other such wildly popular brews as Rhinelander, Mountain Creek, and — a favorite at trendy Upper West Side lounges and loft parties, Extreme Rockhead Malt Liquor.

As our country faces these rough days ahead, I think we can all agree a little dose of the Simpler Times will make everything just a bit easier to handle

PETA’s ad banned; Cash4gold still OK

Are you kidding me? This is the PETA ad NBC banned from the Superbowl:

The NSFW reasons why:

  • licking pumpkin
  • touching her breast with her hand while eating broccoli
  • pumpkin from behind between legs
  • rubbing pelvic region with pumpkin
  • screwing herself with broccoli (fuzzy)
  • asparagus on her lap appearing as if it is ready to be inserted into vagina
  • licking eggplant
  • rubbing asparagus on breast

Read the full letter here (pdf)

To summarize the list of Superbowl standards:

Eating veggies and having great sex*: unacceptable

Eating hamburgers and drinking beer that leads to fat, bloaty sex: acceptable

(seriously, this McDonald’s one is less racy, but still the same thing, implying that a waft of fragrant cheese and meat will save your boring, loveless marriage)

Erectile dysfunction ad full of innuendo: fine

.05 seconds of a naked breast that may have helped some poor old man’s E.D.: not fine

Two hours of 22 men running over each other and gloating about it: sports!

30 seconds of political advocacy: that’s not sports!


next: FlashyBaggyPants4Gold.com

anthropomorphic frogs: OK

anthropomorphic MC Hammer: also OK, apparently.

* Hey, and guess what- that ad?. It happens to be true. Believe it.