Really, Russia? You’re gonna spy on us now? And after we just treated you to some hot slabs of American cuisine? And right before HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA weekend too, no less!
Might we remind you how the last Cold War ended? With Slyvester Stallone pummeling your national pride into a bloody mess in front of a rabid agitprop-prone crowd. One spectator was reportedly so devastated her only consolation was a several year bizarre televised relationship with American time clown Flava Flav.
Happy birthday, America!
You’re 233, but don’t look a day over 210. Little known fact: Fourth of July is actually the best holiday of the year. Why? No bullshit. No arduous family obligations, no intense financial outlay for presents or meals. There’s just kicking back in the summer sun, having a cold one, watching some shit explode and taking a day to enjoy what it means to be ‘merican. This is at least part of what our fathers fought for: the right to not be hassled even just for a day.
After getting back from a week in Europe, I kept thinking about how we don’t have much physical history here in the states, and even our artistic history has a vintage that’s still relatively fresh.
But we do have Steinbeck and Poe, disco fries and pizza, the First Amendment and the New York Times, Michael Jackson and Jay Z, bagels and bars that go all night, Fitzgerald and I Can Haz Cheeseburger, and, of course, Bruce. That’s good enough to force a light into all those stony faces left stranded on this warm July.
Also, click on this site to remember why America is great: because even our giant robots from outer space have huge fucking sex organs.